Going from Feeling Lost to Getting Grounded in Your Relationship

Once upon a time, a young woman was standing in a rainy apartment parking lot, tears falling down her face. She had been crying with the sadness of being single - there was no one inside her home waiting to greet her. This was a friend of mine who was telling me I didn’t know what it was like to be in her shoes. She had indeed been feeling sad and alone. When something is felt and expressed like this though, the healing can start. And that is exactly what unfolded for this person. 

What I didn’t share with her are the stories I've heard as a counsellor that some clients have brought to me. These include those who had cried in their rainy parking lot, not because they were single but precisely because there was someone waiting for them, and they weren’t looking forward to going inside. They had a strong sense of disappointment and even dread. 

This is not an uncommon story. Clients have variously complained of not feeling understood, respected and ultimately cared for by their partner. Others rue the lack of spark and warmth at home.  And some have shared they feel taken for granted or treated like the free gift that comes with a pack of laundry soap – superfluous and unnecessary. And still more wonder how to escape the fiery atmosphere at home, where arguments seem to spring up frequently and seemingly out of nothing. 

Important relationships can start to feel like little more than a co-existence. The sense of hurt, disappointment or indifference can be distressing things, especially if people's happiness and sense of security is at stake. That can feel truly scary. At times like these, people forget that something very healthy was once happening in their relationship – in the past. And that would have required that both partners had contributed to making these positive feelings happen. They both had made the effort once, proving the idea that all important and worthwhile relationships have a dynamic quality to them. It's the efforts of both people which act like nutrients that feed and energise. It's the efforts that create the spark. 

So how do people figure out precisely what has gone wrong and what can be done to make things better? Perhaps you too have exhausted all the questions about how to restore a stronger and more caring energy at home. Who doesn’t want to rid themselves of that rainy-parking-lot feeling? 

If you’re wanting to explore this further, then you believe both you and your partner are worthwhile and deserve the best. This is good. It means a great part of the necessary and healthy foundation is already in place. Whether you seek help individually or with your partner, it might be helpful as a next step for you to embrace some new questions. These can give you your bearings back, and also hint at what a more hopeful roadmap will look like: 

Are you and your partner friends? 

Do you confide in one another? 

What interests do you share? Hobbies? Attitudes towards life? Politics? Religion? 

Are your goals similar and compatible? 

Do you agree on methods for solving problems? 

When you get angry with each other, do you deal with it directly or hide it (try and hurt each other)?

Do you share friendships? 

Do you go out together socially? 

Do you share responsibilities for earning money and household chores in a mutually agreed upon or understood way? 

Do you make at least major decisions jointly? 

Do you allow each other time alone? 

Do you trust each other? 

Is the relationship important enough for each of you to make some personal sacrifices for it when necessary? 

How many of those questions do you answer affirmatively to? A quick count should give you a sense of the strengths that are present, and that have existed in the past. (If you also answer the questions using the past tense, you’ll sense some of your good history together – of what was possible then, and that can be rekindled now). Your answers will also indicate what needs to improve as you press on together. Whether you focus intently on those questions or simply give them a quick browse, consider making a note of your responses and gut impressions. 

Working on a relationship can seem about as attractive as having a root canal. If, however, you do believe this is the right time, know the warm invite is here for you to make contact with me. Whether you seek help individually or with your partner, I’ll be very happy to help and be a useful guide for you.